Warning: this editorial is for our female patrons only!*** Ladies, have you noticed there is a pseudo religion surrounding the selection and consumption of wine, a product that should be intrinsically more akin to groceries than art? A strange way of thinking that seeks to narrow the discussion by eliminating whole styles and countries full of wine so that direct (sports / warlike) comparisons can be made, always trying to quantify the impossibly diverse with scores and classifications then dictate absurd rituals be performed before the sacrament is consumed? What up wit ‘dat???
Like most of Western Civilization, this is part of a grand conspiracy propagated by a gang of rich, white (primarily British), mostly dead MEN!!!! And they mostly look and act more like Benny Hill meets Rumpole of the Bailiwick than, say, Pierce Brosnan. This cult was then popularized in America by an Attorney from D.C. and a cigar huckster who hangs out with Rush Limbaugh. So what does this have to do with you and your girlfriends wanting to know what wine to drink while having some pasta and watching “Great Performances on PBS”? NADA, ZIP, ZERO, NOTHING!!!!!!! And, since 70% of all wine is purchased at retail by women anyway, WHY DO YOU STAND FOR THIS???
Furthermore, since Mr. Testosterone over there seems to think that bottle of Domaine Ink Cabernet with Rutherford Dust he read about in the Wine Expectorator (99/100 but undrinkable for ten to twenty years, if ever) is the only solution to every wine question, we’re depending on YOU to bring home something interesting, food-friendly and reasonably priced to change his channel. Then, having lulled him into lowering his defenses, you can ask him trick questions like whether your hips look bigger in your blue dress or your red slacks and whether he really thinks your roommate / sister / boss is sexy and watch him jump through hoops like a schizoid poodle while you enjoy a second glass of one of these multicultural libations:
Cheap & Cheerful Plonk for all Occasions
Gravitas Sauvignon Blanc or Reserve Chardonnay, NZ
They’re white, cold, dry and work with anything from pasta salad to sea bass to Chicken Helper in the Micro-wave.
Viñas de Luján Torrontes, Mendoza Argentina
Why has this eclipsed almost every other white under $10 in sales in our store? Spring for a bottle and find out, tonight!
De Luca Montepulciano d’Abruzzo Sipario, Italy
Soft, smoooooth and meaty, this is the perfect partner for a large range of foods or you can just sip a glass when you get home from work.
Duca di Panzano Chianti Vitigni del Sole, Toscana
Bright, sassy, zesty and ready to dance a tarantella with any pasta or pizza you can throw at it.
Cortesia Prosecco Frizzante, Veneto
Really delicious and refreshing Prosecco in nice looking packaging at school night pricing. Cheers and have at it….we’ll get more!
Business Class Upgrades
M. Labbe Brut Carte Blanche Premier Cru à Chamery, France
Lay down the law: “If you want to get wit’ me then leave the Cordon Rouge and White Star at the 7-11 and buy this!”
I Campi Soave Campo Vulcano 2009, Veneto
One of the best whites under $50 we have ever offered: rich and flavorful but never oaky. Life is short, try something different…
Domìni Veneti Ripasso Valpolicella Vigneti di Torbe 2010, Veneto
Wow! Intense, nearly purple color, rich and velvety mouthfeel, ridiculously concentrated notes of every red and black fruit from currants through plums and a long smooth, sexy finish, this is serious.
Cascina Fonda Vendemmia Tardiva 2010, Piemonte
We call even normal Moscato d’Asti “The Zombie Detector” because if you don’t like it you might be already dead but this is a whole ‘nother thing. It is not labeled as DOCG due to its unique production methods and flavor profile: it is made from Moscato grapes left to hang an additional three weeks on the vine which give it notes of walnuts and toffee on top of the burnt orange peel, dried fruit and hibiscus flower base. OUTRAGEOUS, unique, undeniable, this has already earned cult status. Uh…Ladies Man…this is goooooooood…wink, wink.
I work hard, I’m worth it, I can afford the good stuff!
CharlesGardet Brut Millésime 2002, Chigny les Roses
Made only in outstanding vintages, this wine spends five years aging on the lees deep in the family cave where it takes on a rich golden hue and a wonderful nuttiness. After the remuage and disgorgement a special dosage of reserve wines kept in small oak casks and a touch of cane sugar is added to finish it, giving a unique toasty richness to the final product.
Ronco del Gelso (Tocai) Friulano Toc Bas 2010, Friuli Isonzo Rive Alte
Giorgio is one of the leaders of what we call the “Movimento Tocai Classico”, an emerging group of Friulani vignerons who have recently decided that the lush, ultra fruit driven, Viognier like versions of Tocai are masking the true character and potential of that most Friulian of white varieties and, instead, are making a leaner, more structured and aromatic expression. This vintage is very dry and structured with herbal and almond notes on top of an enchanting yellow plum fruit base and will be an excellent aperitivo now but our experience with past vintages is that it will be even more wonderful in a couple of years.
Battaglino Nebbiolo d’Alba Colla 2008, Piemonte
Corte Cariano Amarone della Valpolicella Terra Solinas 2008, Veneto
Tabarrini Montefalco Sagrantino Colle Grimaldesco 2006, Umbria
Deep, Deeper, Deepest! These are silky, smooth, aged and ready to go, “important” reds that still have something to say for days after you open them. Worth a special trip to the farmers market to find the best mushrooms, some great cheese, a perfect leg of lamb, you get the picture. Tell him it’s Cabernet, he’ll probably never tell the difference……….
***Guys, show her you’re a Sensitive New Age Man and deserve not only her attention but also tastes of these great wines by buying her a copy of Women’s World Voices Volume 2 (Blue Flame 398-50392), packed with 68 minutes of the hippest, most soulful and culturally aware (but really sexy, hint, hint, wink, wink) female artists from around the globe throwing down for sisterhood over some dope ambient and tropical grooves. And, we’ll just keep the fact that the enclosed booklet is full of …uh…er…”art pictures” of sensual goddesses from exotic lands between us guys, ok? Then slide on St. Germain “Tourist” (Blue Note 7243-5-25114-2-6), probably the most successful “acid jazz” fusion of dance/ambient production with actual Jazz we’ve ever heard. If you can’t get your groove on with music this sexy then just put away the Viagra and reach for the Depends and the TV Guide!